Karma to Burn

All good things...

2006-05-26T10:11:00.000+10:00

must come to an end.

Well, I made it alive through Eurovision, and I'm spent. Time to bid a fond farewell to blogland and get on with raising the boy, looking after Hubbs, finding a house, working, spending money and spending more time writing novels.

Instead of being a dedicated lady of leisure (which was the plan), I find myself with more work than I know what to do with.
Thanks to everyone for being so funny, clever, rude, shocking, generous and yes, in some cases even caring. It's been an amazing journey but all good cliches must come to an end.

It's been a trip.

Love Ebs

It's all too beautiful. Eurovision 2006

2006-05-21T21:42:00.000+10:00

The dinky logo comes on. That coupled with the dulcet brogue of Sir Terry Wogan means I'm nearly sick with excitement.
Keep the powder dry Karma, there's a long night of music and drinking ahead.

And may I add that Hubbs and I were incredibly impressed with the lighting rig and staging for this year's extravaganza.

Before I begin, let me remind readers that I have not read any papers today or listened to the news on radio or seen it on TV, so I have no idea of the placings. Which leaves me open to making an arse of myself. Yeah, I know, what's changed?

1. Switzerland. Oh how nice, how very, very nice. And a bit wet really.

2. Moldova. I swear this country is made up, and they're pretending to come from Cuba. What, even the locals lack a national identity? The Loco chika strips down twice, then frocks up in a wedding dress. Drink! Drink! Drink! Quick Hubbs, I need more Bailey's.

3. Israel. Sorry, but this is a total mess. Even the subtitle ladies at SBS have thrown in the towel, and they've got the lyrics!

4. Latvia. "I cover my ears but none of the noise will go away". No, it's not my criticism, they're the words to the song.

5. Norway. Oh yes, you are gorgeous, but I have no idea what she's on about. She could win.

6. Spain. Las Kechup sing something about duty free shopping and ordering a Bloody Mary. Che?

7. Malta. Sung by a man with no lips. Malta is really good at coming second, and this year is no exception.

8. Germany. An Australian with a Nashville twang singing about Texas. Because cactus is synonymous with Germany. And is it just me, or my huuuuuge tv, but something's wrong with the singer's nose. Like, bad surgery wrong.

9. Denmark. Tell Laura it's my teen angel party and I'll twist around the clock if I want to.

10. Russia. It's Mr Mullet. Tonight he has a '10' on his singlet (so we know it's a fresh one). Something tells me I'm looking into the future and I have every right to be terrified. Dima Bilan is a sex symbol in Russia, but in a nation of drunks, that's hardly something to be proud of.

11. FYROM. What, you've never heard of Fyrom? Do I have to spell it out? Oh ok then. It's the Former Yugoslav Republic Of Macedonia. They weren't allowed to just be Macedonia, cos the Greeks cracked the shits and said 'no, you can't, cos we've got a Macedonia too...". Anyhoo, politics aside, Fyrom's gone for the J-Lo look, missed and ended up looking like The Nanny.

12. Romania. "Tonero" is simply awful.

HALF TIME
co-host Maria has changed her dress, which is handy because I need a drink. The bloke is growing on me, although he's not showing his nipples as freely as he did at the semi. You big tease you.

Hubbs wants to flick over and watch the $3 million men stuck down a hole. Thank goodness we have a digital recorder with two tuners, although Tracey Grimshaw's new face doesn't look that good on a big-screen TV.

OK, back to the music.

13. Bosnia & Herzegovena. The wedding singers are growing on me. Could just win it, although I am so sick of songs with Lejla, or leyleyleyleyla. Contains the classic line "Golube, moj golube", and I think there's something in that for all of us.

14. Lithuania. "we are the bogans, of Eurovision," vote! drink! oh my head hurts.

15. UK. strains of loads of other songs and a rap to make Ali G proud, complete with St Trinian's backing singers. Terry says it's the best effort from the UK in recent years. I think Terry's hitting the piss.

16. Greece. Anna Vissi belts out a ripper, but it's a bit of a morose song. The crowd goes wild. Shows how much I know.

17. Finland's Hard Rock Hallelujah. Terry says they look like Klingons and Orcs. He's been reading me blog! It's pure magic, although I'm a bit worried I won't be ready for The Day of Rockening when the Arockalypse comes.

18. Ukraine. Last year's copy effort. Would you look at that girl's legs!!!!! And the boobs!!!! And the hair!!!! Oh, she's the complete package. The Cossacks look good too, especially with tamborines, the traditional Cossack instrument of torture.

19. France. yawn.

20. Croatia. Another skirt ripper. drink!

21. Ireland. Brian Kennedy sings, "every song is a cry for love," while I think this is a cry for help.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

22. Sweden. They've brought back the big gun, Carola, who won it for Abbaland in 1991. She strips the cloak and has a wind machine. That's got to be worth loads of point.

23. Turkey. Still doesn't grab me. Looks a bit like a drag act.

24. Armenia. They opened the semi and closed the final. His voice is a bit better tonight. Good to see a bit of S&M on this family show.

Well, that's the end of the song, and Maria has changed her dress again. I'm calling an ambulance to get my stomach pumped.

VOTING
Maria has changed her dress again. She is solely to blame for my future liver damage.

The voting is much faster, with the countries only announcing the top 3 votes, (8, 10 and 12 points) and the rest of the votes appearing in a quick graphic. Thank god.

Big thumbs up to Rochelle Rochelle from Minsk, wearing Lady Marmalade's cast offs.

Finland are way out in front. Lordi, Lordi, Lordi!!!

Ahhh Eurotrash, how I missed thee

2006-05-20T11:19:00.000+10:00

What a night, and it was only the Eurovision semi final. Which means double the trash and one third the tedium for voting time. Must pace myself in preparation for Sunday night's extravaganza. The biggie. The one where "Le Royame Uni gets nul pwa".

Unexpected guests arrived after song three last night, Vidman and Mrs Vid. Commentary and confusion ensued. Couldn't join in the drinking game because Mrs Vid is gestating a lifeform.

Hubbs: Have they got enough people on stage?
Me: Eurovision trivia: They're only allowed six people on stage.
Vidman: It all looks very eighties (drink!)
Me: (Song 4, Andorra, with the "Rueben-esque waitress-singer and slut dancers) They're not getting thorugh. (I was right)
Me: (Song 6, Belgium, with lightsabres and men in corsets) They're through (I was wrong)

Ukraine's entry was a flat-out copy of last year's winner, Greece. same kind of song, same dress with a cossak twist. (drink!)

Mrs Vid: (On Finland's entry) They look like they're out of Buffy.
Vidman: Or Klingons.
Me: Or when Klingon cousins breed.
Hubbs: I can't stop counting the people on stage now.

Netherlands used an invented language - (drink!)

Lituania's entry: We are the winners of Eurovision. Vote! (drink!)
Vidman: They're a bit up themselves.
Me: They won't get through (but they did!)

Estonia: Riffs of Abba's Does Your Mother Know.
Me: They'll get through (wrong again!)

Bosnia-Herzegovena.
Mrs Vid: They're wedding singers.

Iceland's Silvia Night closes the evening with pastiche, awful singing, a double strip for her and the dancers and raucous boos from the crowd. (Drink!!!!)

Through to the final:
Russia,
Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia,
Bosnia-Herzegovina,
Finland,
Ukraine,
Ireland,
Sweden,
Turkey,
Armenia
Lithuania

Like I said, have to pace myself for tomorrow night, it's gonna be HUUUUUUUGE!

Just asking for trouble.

2006-05-11T12:28:00.000+10:00

Maybe I should send the Victorian Government a report card?
All together now - the rules of apostrophes state that when ownership belongs to a plural, (as in, all government schools) then put the apostrophe after the 's'.

Don't worry. The "Victorian Teachers Union" doesn't have an apostrophe in their logo either.

How a young author got found out, chewed up and spat out

2006-05-04T21:52:00.000+10:00

I'm a bit late in posting this, but as a failed author myself, it stirs the cockels of my heart when hot young authors get exposed as frauds, flakes or filchers.

Kaavya Viswanathan is 19, and is the author of How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life.
Quotes like: "Viswanathan signed a two-book, $500,000 contract with Little, Brown when she was 17. Opal Mehta, her debut novel, has been optioned by DreamWorks." have me turning a shade of Jade with envy and bile.

Everything was going so fabulously well, until readers noticed passages of Opal that were similar to other books, notably Megan McCafferty's books, Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings.

To wit:

Sloppy Firsts: "Sabrina was the brainy Angel. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: Pretty or smart."
Opal Mehta: "Moneypenny was the brainy female character. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: smart or pretty. "

Sloppy Firsts: "Bridget is my age and lives across the street. For the first twelve years of my life, these qualifications were all I needed in a best friend."
Opal Mehta: "Priscilla was my age and lived two blocks away. For the first fifteen years of my life, those were the only qualifications I needed in a best friend."

Second Helpings: "... but in a truly sadomasochistic dieting gesture, they chose to buy their Diet Cokes at Cinnabon."
Opal Mehta: "In a truly masochistic gesture, they had decided to buy Diet Cokes from Mrs. Fields."

After this, readers soon noticed something akin to a "cut and paste" from Meg Cabot's world famous Princess Diaries books.

''The Princess Diaries," p. 129:

Well, I for one will not stand for it. There isn't a single inch of me that hasn't been pinched, cut, filed, painted, sloughed, blown dry, moisturized. I even have fingernails.

But I am not happy . . . Because I don't look a thing like Mia Thermopolis. Mia Thermopolis never had fingernails. . . . Mia Thermopolis never wore makeup or Gucci shoes or Chanel shirts or Christian Dior bras. I don't even know who I am anymore . . . She's turning me into someone else.

''Opal Mehta," p. 59

Every inch of me had been cut, filed, steamed, exfoliated, polished, painted, or moisturized. I didn't look a thing like Opal Mehta. Opal Mehta didn't own five pairs of shoes so expensive they could have been traded in for a small sailboat. She didn't wear makeup or Manolo Blahniks or Chanel sunglasses or Habitual jeans or La Perla bras . . . I was turning into someone else."

So far, so bad. Her publishers withdraw the book, cancel her two-book deal (which means she'd have to pay the money back) and then this little "mal mot" surfaces.

"The Record newspaper of Bergen county, at which Viswanathan was an intern during 2003-2004, said it is investigating some of the articles she wrote as part of her assignment. The paper's editor said he will hire a service to vet the dozen or so light features she had written."

My swan song

2006-04-23T16:57:00.000+10:00

Caz dared me to do this. One last attempt to test out frozen/packaged dinners, to see if the serving suggestion looked even remotely like the finished product.

I present Exhibit A: a pizza all lovely and filled with herbs and garlic and chunks of succulent pumpkin and feta.

It's called Lean Cuisine, but it should be Mean Cuisine. Even Alexander Beetle would be hungry after eating this.

You may be wondering why I didn't take a closer picture. The truth was, the camera kept passing out on me, refusing to take a shot if I got too close. Don't blame it really.

At this point my camera lost the will to live.
Yes, it tasted revolting,

Outside, this morning.

2006-04-18T09:54:00.000+10:00

Moorabbin Sky, 9.45 this morning (taken from inside the house)

Five minutes later, the plume had grown.

My friend Sam's here, and she's ducking out for a ciggie now before the toxic plume rolls over the house.

You Love It!

2006-04-09T12:38:00.000+10:00

Not long to go now until Eurovision 2006.

Best costumes have to be Finland, but the poor Finns have never won Eurovision, and I don't see them breaking that drought just yet. Big dramas are already unfolding - Serbia Montenegro have withdrawn their entry, but they still get to vote. Scandal!

Red hot favourite is Iceland's Silvia Night, with Congratulations

Hey you, looking at me, I’m talking to you
I’m Silvia Night shining in the light – I know you want me too
Born in Reykjavik in a different league – no damn eurotrashfreak
The vote is in, they say I win
To bad for all the others

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you
Wham bam boom

My song’s totally cool no yesterday’s news
Really hot okay, really not too gay
I’m coming here to stay
Want a piece of me, listen carefully
You’ll be D.E.A.D.
So boys and girls around the world,
Let’s meet next year in Iceland

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dream’s coming true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you

(phone - conversation)
Hello is it god?
What’s up dog?
It’s your favourite person in the world Silvia Night
I’m saving the world
See you...bye

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you
Wham bam boom

So congratulations I have arrived
I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
Vote for your hero that’s what you must do
I love you.

Dragons etc

2006-04-08T09:54:00.000+10:00

Well, of course they're still amongst us, we just can't see them.
Why? Because they can be seen only in peripheral vision. It's like looking at a star - notice how it's brighter when you start to look away, and then when you look back, it's gone a bit dull? That's how dragons work.

They're all around us - although a few of them have flown into wind farms lately, so the numbers are down a bit. But generally they're doing OK and aren't as endangered as sabre-tooth harpies or the lesser known brown spotted mogwai.

The sound of one girl tappng

2006-04-03T13:41:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Vest for blowing my cover in his comment (a couple of posts below), but yes, there is a book.
Actually, there's five finished books. Two sci-fi, and three romances. Loads of half-finished and partially plotted books too, and something about dragons but I'm not sure what.
Whilst unloading the dishwasher this morning, it struck me why we can't see dragons any more. They're still here, we just can't see them, and I've finally worked out why. But more of that later.

Over the weekend I bit the bullet and worked really hard on an old manuscript. This morning I posted a charming letter, three page synopsis and first three chapters to a publisher in New York. Let's place our bets now on how long it takes for the rejection letter, and how many lines said letter contains.

I'm guessing four months, and five lines.

250 into 23 = euuuuuw!

2006-04-02T08:28:00.000+10:00

Did anyone notice the Age (melbourne) magazine's One Night Only page of statistics.
They picked one night January 20/21, from 8pm to 5am and crunched the numbers, like four babies born overnight at the Royal Women's Hospital, and 8 deaths reported to the coroner, and 5.6 tonnes of fish arrived at the Footscray wholesale fish market.

But the number that had me crossing my legs in sympathy was the 250 brothel clients at The Boardroom, who visited 23 girls. If that's from 8pm to 5am, then that's only 9 hours, in which those 23 girls saw an average of 11 men each over those nine hours.

EEEEEUUUUUUUWWWWWW!!!!!!

Text in the city

2006-03-30T15:16:00.000+11:00

It's a bit scary when the local paper has organised its classifieds so that the garage sales are right next to the brothels. In my local Leader, I found "Deceased Estates" next to "Black door Kate" (and no, that isn't a typo).

There's also something extra disturbing going on. No more "Porking Friends" as I like to call them, (remember, I AM The Hack) now it's "Text Talk" and it's even more sad and pathetic.

*Bi-curious guy wants to chat to other guys for fun & f/ship.

*Housewife seeks discreet fun.

*Shy student, slim 21, will send pics. (Of other people, no doubt)

But for sheer adventure, I had to hand it to the Nude Piano Teacher, plays music for you, naughty and sexy. What I want to know is, will she do housevisits even if I don't have a piano? Because then she'll know I haven't been doing my scales!

I am Spartacus

2006-03-29T19:40:00.000+11:00

Somewhere on the intermaweb, someone's offering $1,000 to finger The Hack's true identity.

I'll save you the hassle. Write the cheque out to me. I am The Hack.

I know, it's come as a huge blow to you all, because you'd pictured The Hack as some right wing death beast, when he is infact a figment of my imagination, and I'm a lonely suburban housewife, and by the age of 37 I'll realise I'll never ride through Paris in a sportscar with the warm wind in my hair.

Mostly becaust Paris is fricken cold most of the year, and the roads are full of drunk drivers.

I am also Tony Abbott. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

I also have 20 aliases and I once dated Naomi Robson, but she wouldn't put out, frigid cow, so I made up some guff about selling blow to her. I am now holed up in a mountain lair, writing fake letters to the editor for a full-time job. What, you thought those letters in Green Guide were real? hahahhaa, shows how good I am.

Caption comp

2006-03-27T10:01:00.000+11:00

A) I promise you, I'm the real Prime Minister, not that bloke on Little Britain

B) We're meeting with Dick Cheney next week...

C) Die you stupid bitch

My how things change

2006-03-26T21:21:00.000+11:00

Four years ago Hubbs and I were taking a break from two years of smashing our heads against a brick wall (otherwise known as doing IVF) when my brother and his wife came around and announced they were pregnant. They did it in a nice way, and they'd waited till she was 12 weeks and had real scan pics. I was happy for them, then after they left our house, something inside me snapped. I remember it like yesterday. (Maybe because I think too much about it). I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then couldn't take the flannel away because this horrible howl came out of me and I just couldn't stop.

I slumped to the floor, Hubbs came in and held me, and I called out to the universe, "when's it going to be our turn?"

Skip to last week:
We are so incredibly lucky. We have our wanted and longed for child. He has playdates with his cousin, and they're gorgeous together. He is the absolute light of our lives and we feel so blessed to have such a healthy child. Hubbs and I have totally decided that Jr is it. That we're never, ever, ever going back to IVF (even if we won tattslotto) and we are fine with that.

Brother and sister-in-law share their latest good news at a family gathering. They're expecting baby number two in October. My reaction came as a huge surprise to me - I was happy. A really light, bubbly kind of happy that made me feel good. I guess it could be described as normal.

It was weird.

Quick skit

2006-03-26T07:14:00.000+11:00

Hubbs reminds me every day to shut the back door, otherwise the flies get in. So, without further ado:

Couple come home with shopping bags in each hand, leaving the door open.
He: Did you shut the flywire door? The flies are bad today.
She: I'll do it in a minute.

They start putting groceries away, when in walks a human-sized fly (bloke in a pathetic costume, bit Mick Molloy-ish)

Fly: Afternoon all. Lovely day. (goes around the room and touches everything, puts his hands on some fruit in the bowl).
He: How did you get in?
Fly: The door was open! Honestly you people, what do you expect?
She: Yes, yes, yes, I'll close it now before any more get in.
He: (checking groceries) We didn't buy any fly spray, either.
Fly: (goes into loungeroom, sits on the backrest of the sofa, makes himself at home.)
She: I don't know why you get so upset darling, it's just one fly.
He: Yeah, but they get on everything. They make me sick.
She: We're both tired, let's have something to eat.

(They sit down on the sofa to eat their sandwiches, the fly sitting behind the bloke, the fly falls down across the man's lap)
He: Oh bloody hell, it landed on my lunch!
She: It's just one fly darling!

.... you get the drift. Loads more possibilities, what with the big blowie being a "fly on the wall" while they're having an argument or having sex; the fly jumping into an enormous prop salad bowl "The fly got on the salad". etc etc.

The girl can cook

2006-03-25T19:37:00.000+11:00

Just thought you should know, Hubbs and I are having real food tonight.
Mongolian lamb with home grown eggplant - a single, solitary eggplant from the whole summer :-(
and home-grown orange capsicum (loads of them) and whatever else I could find at the bottom of the vege bin.

Notice home-grown garnish: coriander, Vietnamese mint, and a side splash of cucumber and mint.

So, what did you do last night?

2006-03-24T19:55:00.000+11:00

On 10 news tonight, a quick headline: Some woman, in her 20s, crashed a car into the Sale Police station, crunching it right up to the front desk.

My first thought was, "oh gawd, not my cousin."

I've been trawling sites to find more info. If anyone can find links to the story, I'd be most grateful. Don't really feel like phoning up uncle and asking, ''so, by the way, what's that daughter of yours done now?"

Experiment 4

2006-03-23T19:27:00.000+11:00

Sorry for the enormous picture, but this has to be seen to be believed. Just look at those large chunks of ham, that white chicken-related fleshy product, those golden crumblets.

No sprig of oregano to save me. They came out of the oven looking like they had nipples.

And then I took out my sharpest knife from Delta Goodrem's back, sharpened it some more and sliced the succulent duet in half. I mean, how hard could this be?

I think I'm starting to get rickets.
And for something so full of smew, how come it tasted so dry?

The model child

2006-03-23T13:11:00.000+11:00

I always declared I would not put my baby on the stage, and yet...

I was with (incredibly proud) Ma yesterday in a certain shopping centre, when a woman from a "talent" agency approached us and asked if she could take Jr's photo, to win a modelling contract with her agency. She had a booth set up, biz cards, loads of books of kids on their list, so it was fair dinkum on that respect. (Not someone collecting for the next kiddie pron ring) Ma was delighted, Jr hogged the camera and it was all over in a few seconds.

Here's the tosh: If Jr "wins" he'll get signed up, but if he doesn't, they'll contact us anyway and want to sign him - probably for a hefty fee. I reckon it's just a way to part me from cash.

There's a rube born every minute, and yesterday it was me.

Experiment 3

2006-03-22T14:08:00.000+11:00

Look, it's curry, so that means loads of sauce, no matter how many scrumptious pieces of chicken may appear to be on the front. It brags "tender chicken in a creamy, flavourful sauce." Flavourful? It's a cremulant word I guess.

To my complete surprise, it actually worked - helped by a fresh sprig of mint from the garden no less. The other bonus was the tray it came in that kept the rice separate, making the serving suggestion more achievable.

But there wasn't much chicken and the rest of the lumps were tofu. Bleurrrgh.

Chicken cacciatore

2006-03-20T15:40:00.000+11:00

This was too easy - exhibit A: Lean Cuisine chicken cacciatore with olives. It looks so inviting, doesn't it? Those plump spirally noodles, those bright green beans, and those lovely slabs of chicken breast on top.

Quite a task ahead of me, because when it came out of the microwave, it looked like a steaming tray of sick:

But that, of course, is without the sprig of fresh oregano from the garden.

Five minutes of careful food styling, a jaunty angle for the digicam and viola!

OK, it still looks like a plate of sick with oregano, but how did it taste?

I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Culinary catastrophes

2006-03-19T09:55:00.000+11:00

An experiment: I'm going to photograph food. Not just any food, but food out of supermarket packs - frozen food, or food to go, or any kind of food with an utterly fanciful "serving suggestion" on the front.

You know the ones. The serving suggestion looks incredible, but the end result looks like a bucket of slop, even when you try to pretty it up with a sprig of oregano grown in your very own garden.

Let's start with McCain's frozen lasagne.

Four slices of pasta, bolognese sauce and bechamel sauce with romano cheese on top.

Look away now if you don't want to hurt your eyes...

The bechamel sauce looked sprayed on it was so thin and spotty, and the food itself was a bit tricky to get out of the tray, but it did come out and it held together in one slab. So much for the structural engineering, now comes the taste test.

Mmm, not awful, but you'd have to be really hungry, or doing some attention-seeking stunt for a blog, to eat the whole thing. This is food for sad, lonely bastards and for that it does its job.

The roads are full of spastics

2006-03-18T16:30:00.000+11:00

I'm less than brimming with bonhommie when it takes an hour to get from Fitzroy to Moorabbin. Trying to do a right onto Hoddle Street and waiting through FOUR FHARKING CHANGES OF THE LIGHTS.

Other idiots I saw today - idiot 1 who was put-putting slowly, so effing slowly towards the lights (which were GREEN) and then they just make it through and I'm stuck with the red.

Idiot 2 who was turning right, behind another car turning right. I'm on the opposite side, also turning right, but as the light goes orange, the other bloke changes his mind and pulls out in front of me to go straight ahead, thus leaving me stranded in the middle of the intersection with the lights red. I made the tyres squeal a bit, so that made me feel better.

Idiot 3 who faffed about in the left lane for ages on Burnley road, was trying to read a map I suppose. Just as I think about passing him, he pulled way over into the right lane to turn right

Idiot 4 trying for a three point turn in the middle of Victoria Parade, Richmond. Because she wanted to back up, so I had to stop. There are things called road rules, read them!!!

Trying to find a car park in Fitzroy. That in itself is an exercise in futility.

I know the roads are full of tourists, but for god sake, if you're lost, then pull over to read the map, don't read and drive at the same time. And don't give me any shit about bad female drivers, all of these spastics were men!!!

Melbourne goes stab happy

2006-03-09T15:18:00.000+11:00

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of stabbings in Melbourne lately?

What's in Melbourne's water supply? Or maybe it's all the closed roads for the Commonwealth Games causing major stress. I guess when it takes four hours to get home to the burbs, you're about ready to stab someone???

And if anyone wants to know why I'm not blogging at all about the commgames, it's because I've had to write a fair bit about it in my other life, and it's just boring me to snorts. I'd rather eat my ear wax than write one more press release about how fantastic it all is.

On second thoughts, I'd rather eat Ron Walker's ear wax.

Free advice for Steve Jobs

2006-03-01T09:16:00.000+11:00

Apple co-founder and Pixar studios head honcho is now the biggest shareholder in Disney.

Run Disney into the ground Steve, write it off as a tax loss!

Roll on March 1

2006-02-26T08:51:00.000+11:00

In which I change my mind

2006-02-26T08:48:00.000+11:00

about Peter Costello. Last week I kind of like him, for swaying the argument to take RU486 away from the Health Minister. No I despise him again because of his blatant use of racism to get AWB off the front page.

Karma burnt out...

2006-02-22T20:52:00.000+11:00

You know that saying, "when gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers?" Well, I used to wish (which is the same as praying) that I would work for some decent bosses for a change, who would appreciate my skills and how hard I work, and pay me accordingly.

Erm, that's exactly what's happening. My workload is doubling, the pay is too, but I can't get extra creche days for Jr, so something's got to give.

Hubbs and I worked out a weekly schedule. Allowing for work days, creche days, a morning off each and family time, we need eight days a week.

Less blogging *sigh* less time for novels too *sob* so I'm just going to have to become super efficient at absolutely everything.

That's not setting the bar too high, is it?

Things that work

2006-02-20T20:43:00.000+11:00

In my glorious life as the editor of Australia's most loved glossy magazine (TM), it pains me to admit that magnets in your mattress cover won't give you a better night's sleep. Despite the lucrative advertising earned in several magazines, not one scientific study can support the claims.

Scientists have used control groups and study groups with strong magnets and weak magnets, and the groups reported no real difference in quality of sleep or levels of pain. Everyone had some improvement - even the control group. This is known as the placebo effect, where people either underreport pain or have an improvement just because someone's finally taking an interest in them.

Wearing a copper bracelet for arthritis? Pfffff!

Taking homeopathic remedies... don't get me started! Honestly, some people are so keen to part with money. Detox is the same - you're just drinking mud - or diluted mud - but you're not going to lose weight because you're not changing your lifestyle.

If you want real science, not bullshit, read real magazines like New Scientist or something of that ilk.

And don't get me started on psychics......(even though all the adds are paying for my three children to attend private schools).

The new workplace

2006-02-19T08:35:00.000+11:00

Excellent article by Deborah Gough at The Age, showing what insidious ABC Learning management is trying to pull.

Management was fined for two incidents at Hopeless Crossing, where kiddies got out, so they turn around and blame staff, saying they should be fined becuase they let the kiddie escape. Right, and you run the centre and you train the staff and don't supply high enough fences or adequate double doors to stop kiddies getting out.

As a company director, I should try this one on next time. If a staff member (sorry, "team member" hahah) breaks his or her arm, I'll tell workcover to fine the staff member for breaking their arm on my time.

Misleading parliament

2006-02-16T08:55:00.000+11:00

Tony Abbott keeps trotting out the "100,000" abortions a year line. Only now, when he's in parliament, he's saying "up to 100,000" abortions a year, so he can pretend he's not misleading parliament.

The AMA has told him his fugures are wrong, even Medicare doesn't differentiate, but Abbott keeps pushing the line.

Let's make this clear. Medicare marks every D&C as removal of contents of uterus. It's an ugly phrase, but it can mean so much. It can mean you're getting your gyno to have a good look around to check for scar tissue, it could mean your foetus has already died and you're avoiding nasty side effects like infections and later infertility. It could mean you're terminating a pregnancy prior to 12 weeks.

Abbott still thinks this debate is about legalising abortion. Abortion is already legal. Yeah, OK, you're against it, that's your right, but that means you should not be the one to decide whether abortion drugs are dispensed or not. If abortion is already legal, then the means of each abortion belongs to medical experts.

News Musings

2006-02-15T20:01:00.000+11:00

A sheep fucker, from the US - I know, you were all thinking he was from Eildon, right? - with priors for burglary, is worried that he'll get a bad reputation.

Jeffrey Haynes, 42, was arrested in June after a DNA sample taken from the animal matched Haynes' genetic material.

Euuuuuueeeewwww! And like, hello, revolting!

In other news,

"Think of the baby!!!!" The editor screams, with the news we've all been waiting for - TomKat are da splits!!!.
Tom's rep is such a buzzkill, denying the story. Pleading for privacy now Tom? You can go and get fucked for starters.

Oh yes!

Dick Cheney's in the shit, cos he shot some old bloke with 200 pellets when they went huntin' and fishin' on the weekend, and he hasn't been charged with anything, and he kept it all Secret Squirrel for a whole day before the meeja found out.
Haven't had this much fun since Chappaquiddick, and that was sortof before my time, so like, this is mine to enjoy.

Wonkipedia

2006-02-15T15:24:00.000+11:00

I'm catching up on news. I'm busy writing novels, m'kay, so I don't get out much. But this caught my eye - an earlier Wikipedia stub about Melbourne cartoonist and illustrator Michael Leunig

The bit that had me really riled was this:
"Leunig prides himself on his racist hate for anything American and is a devout Anti-Semite.
He is also a hater of his own countrymen and maintains a constant bilious rage against Australian Prime Minister John Howard, which he exorcises regularly through the pages of the hysterically left-wing Fairfax Press."

How pathetic! Everyone knows it's not "which he exorcises" but "whom he exorcises".

Honestly, if we don't have standards, then the savages win.

The fish that John West reject

2006-02-15T09:53:00.000+11:00

So, has anyone eaten Basa fish yet?
My local Quik-E-Mart has them, frozen, for sale. It says 'Product of Vietnam", and proclaims them "a fresh water fish". hahahahah! If you call the Mekong river "fresh", then by all means, eat the stuff and see what happens.

*scientist ticking off side effects* "Loss of libido, some Monsterism".

I should have blogged about this ages ago, because my clever uncle of the major cancer surgery told us about the fish and where they're from, and he said they're really a big catfish and they're bottom feeders, and the people "farm" them under their houses. Dammit, now Today Tonight has beaten me to the punch. Hate it when that happens!!!!

Not sure about the plumbing situation in Vietnam, but I don't reckon houses built over a dirty river have the latest 'n' greatest pipes.

So who is this St David bloke anyway?

2006-02-13T16:24:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm glad you asked.

St David is the patron saint of Wales, a country to the west of England, often used as a unit of measurement.
Eg: Every day, an area the size of Wales is deforested.

Wales is famous for rugby, people who sing magnificently, gorgeous blokes (ehem, Ioan Gruffyd, or however you spell it, and my husband) and rain.

St David, or Dewi Sant as he is known in Welsh, attended the Synod of Llanddewi Brefi. (Which is where Daffyd, the only gay in the village, hails)
At the synod, Dewi got up to speak, but someone shouted out 'we can't see you'. Then the land rose up under Dewi's feet, and everyone could see him. He was instantly made archbishop.

Throw a leek on the barbie!

2006-02-10T15:18:00.000+11:00

St David's Day is the new St Patrick's Day

On March 1, wear a daffodil, eat a leek and remind everyone that you're the only gay in the village.

Quick question

2006-02-04T07:52:00.000+11:00

What the hell has Tracey Grimshaw done to her face???

In which my darling son rips my heart out

2006-02-03T14:07:00.000+11:00

Jr started at family day care yesterday. He was fine until I walked to the door to leave, then he threw a tanty, grabbed my jeans and wouldn't let go. I distracted him with a toy and made a run for it, all the while thinking I'd burst into tears myself.

He repeated this today, only this time he threw himself at the door as I walked out, and kept on crying. I know they're not real tears, he's just cracking the shits because he wants me there with him. He really likes the carer and has loads of fun during the day with the other kids.

I just keep telling myself he'll get better, but it will probably get worse before it gets better.

Mia Culpa

2006-02-02T11:35:00.000+11:00

OK, confession time. I have to get this off my chest, I can't keep living a lie. I am the ghostwriter of Mia's baby diary in Women's Day. It's my fault we have to endure Lleyton and Bec gawping out at us from glossy covers every week. For this I am truly sorry.

While in confession mode, I can also reveal, now that he's dead, that I wrote a lot of Kerry Packer's speeches. Mostly the F words, and the occasional C word, and sometimes an effing C word. Yeah, that was me.

I am also responsible for the alient hybrid experiment that is Richard Wilkins.

Phew, now I feel better! Anyone else got anything to confess?????

Trivial matters.

2006-02-01T08:12:00.000+11:00

So, as I said in my previous post, the host of the trivia nights I go to is running for the Libs in the next state election.

So I hung a bit of crap on him about joining the dark side, and he said not to think of it like that. I told his wife I had lost some respect for him, because I have such a low opinion of politicians, but that in any case, what happens at trivia stays at trivia sort of thing, and we'll keep the worlds separate.

If he wins, he'll probably have to give up hosting triv nights, and that's the real kicker, isn't it?

Also, there is a table made up of ALP members, whose daughter was an ALP councillor on our local council (until they were all sacked and she didn't run again).

It's a powderkeg situation.

This could be an interesting year, and I probably won't repeat any more of it here unless it's so massive I just have to blurt it all out.

Keep the good news coming

2006-01-14T13:42:00.000+11:00

Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant again and that means good news for all of us.

"Since my daughter (Apple) came along, I've not worked much through choice," she revealed. "And with another baby on its way, I don't think I will be doing a lot for the next year or so either."

So, may I take this opportunity to publicly congratulate Chris Martin for keeping Gwyn off our screens for another year. Please, Chris, keep the magic coming and keep Gwyn permanently with child for all our sakes.

Life's a beach

2006-01-08T10:43:00.000+11:00

Hubbs and I took Jr to the beach yesterday, and we all laughed and giggled so much I hurt. OMG in all the fantasies I had about being a parent, and what it would be like, ... well *sniff* it's magic. It really is.

Jr is a little water baby. We put floaties on his arms and stood him near the water's edge. He loved it, he giggled and squealed and shivered but wanted to go in deeper. So Hubbs and I took him in deeper and we rode the "breakers" (as much as waves break in the bay) and he couldn't get enough of it. He was covered in goose bumps and his teeth were chattering - Hubbs took him back in to dry him off, but Jr grabbed Hubbs' hand and dragged him back to the water.

And when it was time to go home, there were no tantrums, just huge smiles.

I am loving this.

Off to Granny and Papa's this afternoon - they have a pool. Yay!

Hey, little girl...

2006-01-05T14:30:00.000+11:00

Tracey Bartram played this on 774 this morning, and now I can't get it out of my head. I still haven't decided if Hal David and Burt Bachrach were trying to be hilarious or offensive. Or maybe offensively hilarious?

Hey, little girl,
comb your hair, fix your make-up,
soon he will open the door,
Don't think because
there's a ring on your finger,
you needn't try any more.

For wives should always be lovers too,
Run to his arms the moment that he comes home to you.
I'm warning you,

Day after day,
there are girls at the office
and the men will always be men,
Don't stand him up,
with your hair still in curlers,
you may not see him again.

Wives should always be lovers too,
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
He's almost here,

hey, little girl,
better wear something pretty,
Something you wear to go to the city,
Dim all the lights,
pour the wine, start the music,
time to get ready for love.

Time to get ready for love,
yes it's time to get ready for love,
It's time to get ready,
kick your shoes off, baby....,

You can't take it with you...

2005-12-27T13:16:00.000+11:00

In the words of Paul Kelly

You might own a great big factory, oil wells on sacred land
You might be in line for promotion, with a foolproof retirement plan
You might have your money in copper, textiles or imports from Japan
But you can't take it with you....

Kerry Packer is dead at 68. His money bought him a sturdy polo pony, an ambulance, a heart bypass operation and his helicopter pilot's kidney, all of which kept him going for ten years more than he should have.

Other things Kerry Packer has bought:
Tax cuts and fabulous accountants
The Prime Minister's ear
Cricket

Jeez, money can get you a shitload of things!

Hope the pall bearers are all wearing back braces.

Cherry Missmuss

2005-12-27T08:36:00.000+11:00

Some stupid fool gave me plunger coffee for Christmas and I am really liking it and I'm having it a few times each morning and I thinkit's making me a bit silly and talk a bit faster than usual but so far I don't think anyone can tell.

Oh. Dear. God. I think I have a wee habit.

It would take a pregnancy scare for me to stop drinking coffee right now. And it's "fair trade" coffee as well, so the more I drink, the more I'm helping some poor farmer in a busted-arse banana republic earn a proper wage and send his kids off to school so they can be more than just coffee farmers. Like, i dunno, they could own the plantation or something and become good little capitalists so I can go back to scorning them.

Oh yeah, and the pregnancy scare. Well, no. Bang on time. But two weeks ago Jr went to the grandparental units for the weekend and I was a very happy and satisfied little girly. (Hence the lack of posts). I had two people from my "third place" (where we drink coffee in the street... oh dear, there's a theme here). Anyway, these two women both said, "you're so relaxed and happy, careful you don't get pregnant!"

I bet them I wouldn't. I even said to one that I'd bring in the negative pregnancy test if she wanted.

Well, I was down there last week and a dear old duck who is usually lovely, was asking all about our upcoming New Zealand holiday. Did I mention we were off to NZ for 11 days in January? Anyway, when she hears we're not taking Jr with us, she says, "careful you don't have too much fun and bring back an extra passenger!"

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!1!!!1!!!

What's with people?

I mean, I have the perfect conversation stopper: No worries, I'm barren, but thanks for the reminder.

Brief Interlude...

2005-12-21T09:01:00.000+11:00

I want to wish everyone a merry Christmas or happy Chanukkah or just have a great summer (or winter if you're reading this upside down).

We're having a bit of time off so I'll catch up with you all later.

Happy New Year everyone!

68% hearts and tongue

2005-12-19T18:02:00.000+11:00

Just read the ingredients on the jar of Devilled Ham spread.
*shudder*

But it tastes so nice.....

Massive!

2005-12-16T16:08:00.000+11:00

Won the triv jackpot this week!!!!1!!!1!!!, yeeeha! !!!!!!!1!!!1!!!1

Then Hubbs and I went to Echuca for the staff Christmas bash. Ate salmon and yabbies and fillet steak on a houseboat for dinner, then sat in a spa under the stars on said houseboat.

Next day, massive eggs benedict brekky, then waterskiing!!! I have never gone waterskiing before and it was sensational and exhausting. I ache EVERYWHERE!

Back to the Rich River resort to lounge about by the pool. Mahhhhhrvellous!

Then a big barbie dinner and more fab food and booze and karaoke! I've never done karaoke before either. It's where our favourite old songs briefly come to life, and are then throttled.

Stagger off to bed, get up, eat another massive breakfast and mosey around Echuca for some gifties for Ma - who was in charge of Jr while we were away.

Massive long drive home, to find that Jr is asleep so we can recover for a bit longer before going back to being parents.

Ooorrrrriiiiighht!

Go Lions!

2005-12-12T14:43:00.000+11:00

A stupid woman stays on at the zoo after closing time, and "picks a flower" inside the lion enclosure, and a lion bites her finger off and EATS IT!!!

Times like this I feel like Statler and Waldorf.
Terrible, terrible!
Actually, it wasn't that good.
Well, it wasn't half bad.
More, More!

Obviously, her parents weren't Hillaire Belloc fans, otherwise she'd know the story of Jim, who slipped away from his nanny and was eaten by a lion.

Really bad karma, guys

2005-12-10T07:13:00.000+11:00

Who would have thought that a woman - pushing 50 - could get pregnant just using Amazonian herbs when 12 shots at IVF hadn't worked?

There was mention of IVF - that they'd tried 12 times in 2 years, which is enough to send anyone screaming off to the loony bin, but no mention that they were doing IVF at the same time they were taking the herbs.

Do a google for Maria Nixarian and you'll see how well the original - and wrong - story has travelled in only a few days. It's Saturday morning and the Herald-Sun is yet to update, despite their sister paper the Telegraph filing something on Friday. The Today Tonight website features this disclaimer in their online version.

*****STOP PRESS**** UPDATE 091205****
Today's Daily Telegraph reports Stephen and Mary Nixarian have confirmed their pregnancy is the result of continued IVF procedures and NOT a result of natural therapies or herbal supplements.
****Ends UPDATE****

So what really happened?

The Daily Telegraph ran this piece.

"When we did speak to (The Daily Telegraph), we did not mention the IVF," Mr Nixarian said.

The Daily Telegraph was able to confirm the Nixarian's IVF treatment with their specialist, Dr John McBain.

Fertility experts calculate the chance of conceiving naturally at Mrs Nixarian's age is less than one in 100,000.

Mr Nixarian said Dr Ruhl had incorrectly believed the pregnancy was natural. Last week Dr Ruhl, a former Brazilian model, boasted about the high success rate of her therapies achieving pregnancies in women over 40.

Dr Ruhl said yesterday that she felt "disappointed" that the Nixarians had not told her they were also undergoing IVF.

"I am disappointed. Maria did not tell me - I did not know she was having IVF," she said.

"I talked to her and she said she did not tell me because she did not know herself whether it was because of IVF or my treatments."

******

I did acupuncture, took cortisone, baby aspirin and progesterone, and listened to a relaxation tape made just for me, but I can guarantee it was the IVF that gave us our baby, not the pins in my ears or the hippy music.

So what have we learnt? That at 50, you're not too old to have kids, but some people sure are too stupid to have them.

What a day to be in question time!

2005-12-08T07:37:00.000+11:00

Funny family news. Hubbs' step dad was in Canberra on Tuesday, for a business meeting with a visiting American. Things went great, and step-dad thought he'd show the yank around town. Parliament was open, so they went in and joined the gallery for question time... right when Peter Costello was spraying everyone on his team with venom.
The American thought Costello was the leader of the opposition...
I reckon he's doing a better job than Beazley of damaging the government.

A face only a mother could love...

2005-12-07T18:45:00.000+11:00

Erm, I know all newborns are meant to be beautiful, but um... check out this one.

Considering his parents are high on the aesthetically pleasing scale, I'm punting that genetics has taken a holiday.

Or am I just a total bitch for saying that?

Trivial matters

2005-12-07T18:29:00.000+11:00

I love going to trivia nights. I manage to learn at least one thing so the night is not a complete bust.

For instance, Daniel Radcliffe is making a movie in South Australia. Contrary to our team's guess, the move title is not Straight to Video but December Boy.

He got too excited?

2005-12-06T13:30:00.000+11:00

Vale Big Kev. I never bought any of your cleaning products, nor your shares when you floated your company.

He was 56, and had recently been on a health kick and had lost weight.

Which just goes to show, losing weight isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Some good news ...

2005-12-02T07:57:00.000+11:00

Dr Beverley Van Praagh, it's your time to shine.
Weeks on end of working in the mud to move an endangered colony of giant Gippsland earth worms. You go girl!
Plus, she's a friend of mine, and I'm so proud of all her hard work!

That's called a blogstopper

2005-11-30T11:22:00.000+11:00

So, I take it you're all ~~bored shitless~~ riveted by my holiday plans.

Pity we don't own the house we're in - we could start renovating and I could blog about that.

Oh yeah, and some Aussie is gonna be hanged in Singapore on Friday whilst the PM plays cricket. Not that I can have anything pleasant to say about Winston fiddling while Rome burns, but I don't think there's a connection, so I'm not buying into the media hoohar.

Drugs are bad, mmkay, killing someone for having a few drugs is bad, mmkay, mandatory death sentences are bad, mmkay? If the PM was perhaps hosting a delegation of Singaporese ministers that day, then there would be a connection and we'd have a right to be up in arms. As much as I love hanging it on the PM (oh dear, I didn't really mean that hideous pun) I can't get all huffy because he'll be playing cricket on Friday.

I can get huffy with Singapore. The city state hangs 80 people a year and shows no sign of slowing. The Phillippines also has mandatory death sentences for rape and other offences - it's possibly the most draconian country of all and it's a "Catholic" country led by a woman. (So all that palaver about the world being a better place if it was run by women kind of falls down a bit...)

So if you really are upset, join Amnesty International and stop taking recreational drugs, mmkay.

Travel insurance anyone?

2005-11-29T13:08:00.000+11:00

I love the way they're worded - especially the bit about your remains being returned to your family. Gift-wrapped perhaps?
An absolute must on our list. There's no way we're leaving the country without a guaranteed way of getting back - even if it's in a box. (Morbid little thing, aint I?)

At last, we have a big beastie motorhome. A Mercedes! Woo Hoo! Four Berth. 6.10 metres long. 2.95 metres high. Yes, we'll take out extra insurance because we brought a couple of branches back with us after the Tassie trip and had to fork out a few hundred for damages.

The passport application is away. Check out the passport poster at your local post office. The mock-up passport lists the bloke's home address as Helms Deep. Our country is run by nerds.

I'm buying the flights tonight - mixing and matching airlines to get the cheapest combo. Having strange dreams about flying into power lines and crashing into water. Could be something to do with watching the new season of Air Crash Investigation. Seem to recall doing something equally stupid last year just prior to flying up to Cairns. Will I ever learn?

Passport photos. The great leveller.

2005-11-28T09:22:00.000+11:00

No make up - they want to see your true skin tones.
No smiling.
No flattering lighting - a blinding white flash thanks.
Tuck your chin down please.

Snap!

The only thing missing is a row of numbers down the bottom for the date of my arrest.

One more thing. I've warned the family to use a more flattering pic of me if we go missing in NZ. I want people to actually think I'm worth saving. If they put up my passport photo on the news, nobody's going to give a rat's.

Plan ... Plural ZZ Alpha

2005-11-26T19:34:00.000+11:00

What a saga! What a drama! What a pain in the arse!

Still can't get a motorhome for the new dates we want.

Moan, bitch, moan, grizzle.

In which I let rip the best joke

2005-11-23T21:59:00.000+11:00

At triv last night, I told the best joke. Better than my one and only speech (that went down so well I've retired from public speaking).

Anyway, here's the set up. The question "what is the more common name for a circum-orbital haematoma?

We guessed, "love bite".

Our groovy host (whom we all adore, no not that other bloke, he left). Gave the answer as "A black eye".

I called out "Can we have a point for love bite?"

Host: Nah, has to be a black eye.

Me: But I'm from Ballarat, that is a love bite!

I tell ya, these tablets I'm on are fucking ace.

And the first Australian Princess is...

2005-11-23T21:42:00.000+11:00

Come on down, Princess Ally, who declared the entire experience "so fun".

And there I was thinking it would be Wendy, cos she was my fave.

It was a bitch fest earlier tonight. The girls had to state who least deserved the gig, in front of the other two. Can't call it backstabbing cos they're right there beside you. More like white anting - the damage is even worse when you coat everything in honey.

The final showdown was on the lawn, with the girls all dressed up ready for the ball. Wendy and Ally were whisked away to their ball with Prince Unpronouncable-Surname and Abby was left standing like a shag on a rock. Cruel, cruel, cruel. But great TV.

The rent-a-crowd at the castle ballroom looked a bit thin. But then there were pretty fireworks in the evening, so that must have blown the budget (boom-boom!)

Don't understand the spazmo dancing montage later - surely the credits should have been rolling over all that? Strange decisions made by editors up against deadline. Jean Broke-Smith look like an hallucinating chicken.

Until the next season of this magnificent farce, I bid you all adieu!

Plan D

2005-11-23T13:14:00.000+11:00

I'd just like to say that my travel agent is a superstar. She's so patient and positive. She's raising Cain to find us a motorhome somewhere on those shaky isles. If there's an earthquake in the land of the long white cloud, it's because Cecelia is jumping up and down to make our holiday happen.

Love that girl.

And fellas, she's single!

Plan B

2005-11-22T07:35:00.000+11:00

I know you're all riveted by my plight...

If our fabulous travel agent can't get us a motorhome for early January, then we'll just take a mini-break of a few days and head to Daylesford or something for some R&R. Then we'll try for NZ in Feb. Hubbs, brilliant man that he is, has just found out the winter olymics will be on, and the network they make a show for (oooh, the secrecy is too much) will most likely ditch regular programming to bring all the glory of Norweigians winning everything.

Failing that, we might do a runner during the Commonwealth Games in March and sub-let the house.

Kiwis don't want me

2005-11-21T14:29:00.000+11:00

Travel agent just phoned and said "don't book the tickets!" - I had the JetScab page open and everything. She can't secure us a motorhome for love or money for the dates we want.
Can feel this slipping through my fingers....

Planning a trip to Nuw Zullund

2005-11-20T16:19:00.000+11:00

Watch out Kiwis, Karma is coming!

Geez, I sound so full of shit, don't I? But I'm vv excited. Hubbs has wangled us a couple of weeks off soon, so we'll be jetting off. Just weighing up the costs. We could fly JetScab, but we'll be sharing a plane with bogans. Arr Nuw Zullund is twice as much, but you get fed.

Decisions, decisions.

Jr is 2 today

2005-11-18T07:32:00.000+11:00

No cliches about the terrible twos please, my son is perfect in every way. :-)

Yesterday's experiment reset his clock. I kept him up all day, he staggered off to bed at 6pm and looked like he ached all over he was so tired.

He woke this morning at 7am, so I'm stoked.

Ma was a genius - she went to the Salvo's big toy sale a few weeks ago and bought him a huge slip-slide thing for 10 bucks! OK, the box is damaged, but I don't care. She also found him a gorgeous soft doll, with a pram. Everything Jr has is very "boys toys" so I figure a doll will set a good example.

My friend SweetPea came over yesterday to collect a really old desk that was just sitting in the shed growing dust. It will be perfect for her Jr, who just turned 7. When her Jr heard he was getting a desk from me, he got so excited. He thinks we're the bee's knees. If only everyone was as easy to please as her kid. Hey son, have a dusty old desk we've wiped up. You'll love it.

Jr is getting something massive from Hubbs's parents, because they want to spoil him. I'm gonna let them!!!

Australian Parasite, ep 7

2005-11-17T19:23:00.000+11:00

Thank you all for your patience. Now let’s get on with the bitchin’. Oh yeah, and there’s a new drinking game – scull every time Laura cries.

My snouts tell me this show is only just getting finished a day before it airs. Plenty of time for Jackie Ho to read my blogs, notice that she’s said “super tough” each week and she’s changed her tune. The week ahead for the remaining four girls will instead be “difficult”.

Ah phooey. What is it with Jackie only being shot from below? Is it so we can’t recognise her from the sex tapes doing the rounds?

This week we’re subject to bad poetry. Being the geek that I am, I can’t help think of that scene in Hitchhikers, where Ford and Arthur are “really unlucky” and are forced to listen to Vogon poetry before being shot out an airlock into the vacuum of space.

The girls are sent to Cambridge – which is “soooo good” compared to Wollongong according to Ally. The Poet Master finds something nice to say about all their efforts. Yes, he would, he’s paid to.

The “beaux” then get to listen to their bad poetry while punting on the Cam. Cringe.

Then it’s down to the bitch/slag fight of Abby and Laura. Laura pashed Harry, Harry pashed Laura. Harry’s a cad. Abby tells Harry she doesn’t want Laura’s “sloppy seconds”. Harry ends up apologising to Abby. Ally and Wendy are laughing at them, not with them.
Put down the Pimms and walk away….

Because she wrote poetry that rhymed, Paul Burrell gives reward to Laura.
…Gee Paul’s doing well, living off that corpse…
Laura chooses Wendy to come to London for the night with her and the beaux. At dinner, Harry proves me right. He’s a dull turd and hogs the conversation. Abby really is the perfect match for him.

Next day, it’s time for more voice lessons, and the best tongue twister around – I’m not a pheasant plucker, but a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’ll pluck pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

All girls are asked to talk on a topic, and Laura can’t do it. She says she hasn’t got an idea in her head. She flaps her hands under her face. She pouts… yup, she cries. Drink, drink, drink!

Their next task? Write a three minute speech for a gathering of business people at Australia House. Abby is first and I want to hide behind the couch, it’s so bad. James Whittaker is making strange faces as he takes notes. Abby bangs on about manners and how we should raise our children. What the fuck?
It goes on a bit with the “I, myself have noticed” blah de blah. It’s all a bit year 7 debating team tryouts.

Ally gets up and bangs on about how much her life is changing, and how good it is to set goals. Zero out of ten for originality, but she’s got passion.

Laura. Oh dear god, it’s confessional time. She admits to having depression, can’t help but bring up the “theatrical” side of things. Have you noticed how much she’s brought up her past now that she’s in the UK? It’s like she has to remind everyone of how different she is, and yet she’s defensive about it. Her speech is pretty gutsy, but not really suited to the suits. Jean’s now gone right off her. And she’s put on weight so there’s two big black marks on you Laura.

Time for the editors to have fun – a quick grab of Abby, bitching about how Laura only ever talks about herself, and how she has a violin playing behind her all the time. Hello Pot, this is the kettle…

Wendy’s turn, and she cracks a couple of jokes, then stabs me in the heart with a story about her nanna who is now in remission from breast cancer. Damn you Wendy for making me care.

Deliberation time and James Whittaker, Jean Broke-Smith and Paul Burrell give Wendy and Ally a free pass to the next round. They spend a while working out which “princess” is least worst, Abby or Laura. Eventually, they come to the conclusion that Laura just wasn’t as good as they thought she would be.

Goodbye Laura!

Only one more episode to go. Who will be the Australian Princess????

Hideous toddler experiment

2005-11-17T17:41:00.000+11:00

The lad is not sleeping till 3pm for his "day sleep" then after he gets up, he's not actually going to sleep for the night till 10pm

It's 20 to 6 and I've kept him up all day and it's not pretty.

Aust. Parasite update soon. Soon as I can get the little love to bed.

Say it isn't so...

2005-11-14T13:24:00.000+11:00

Britney and Kev are drawing up divorce papers as I blog. I saw it on the front of a weekly mag, so that means it has to be true.

And there's some amazing story about how Princess Mary lost 14 kilos in four weeks. Um, well, the baby and placenta are about 8 kilos, so that leaves six kg in four weeks. Yeah, my mum's just done that on weight watchers. I'm on weight watchers too - I'm watching her lose weight.

Mind you, this trend of mums looking flat tummied a month after giving birth is bloody scary. What kind of message are they sending to new mothers? If you're not back to pre-preggo weight by the next full moon you're a total failure? And I'm not just saying that cos I've still got rolls of fat and am eating for three even though the only thing in my uterus is clotted blood and scar tissue.

Anyway, all this is keeping me from work. I'd better get back to it. Those aeroplanes aren't gonna land themselves.

Does anyone actually fall for this crap?

2005-11-11T08:34:00.000+11:00

Sir/Madam,
Your current case has been considered to the main groups, and upon well thought-out weighing up, we are able to put forward to you the consequent offer.

Based upon well thought-out weighing up you qualify to collect a openhanded return on your original property investment.

By completing the consequent attached form in a timely manner we will be able to tie up our review, and we feel sure you will collect not only a lower rate of interest, but also a cash return that will execute all your holiday needs and more!

*******

So, what do I write back to them, any suggestions?

Australian Parasite ep 6 recap

2005-11-10T08:34:00.000+11:00

The girls are in the UK and jaws are droppin’ A UK TV network has bought this show, so the Brits are gonna love it.

Fresh off a plane – most of them have travelled cattle class, but Ally and Laura travelled Business – the fab five arrive at Belsham Hall, where Jackie Ho is waiting for them. She tells them in all sincerity that from now on it’s going to be “super tough”. I’m sure she said that last week too. And the week before.

Lots of oohs and aahs as the gals check over their new digs. Paul Burrell is waiting for them, and Jean Broke-Smith is back. She’s brought a buddy with her – James Whittaker. You thought Jean was a snob? Meet James, royal correspondent for a few decades. He knows everything. He gives the girls a pop-quiz on British Royalty, and they all fail. Even Wendy stuffs up her question on Squidgy-Gate. Come on, they’re jetlagged. Mind you, even I would have known who got married at the cathedral in 86.

Melissa is more painful than ever. All rolling eyes and never actually saying anything, just simpering.

The girls go on a date. Some girls are paired up (lucky lads) and Abby gets a bloke to herself. They do nothing for me, but I guess I already have my Princeling so I’m not really looking very hard. Oh hang on, Ally’s spotted a bloke from the Scot’s guards and he’s a hottie. Must be the uniform. Hubbs, will you get out the… oh never mind.

The vicar (?) priest (?) at the abbey tells Ally and Laura that the last Royal wedding they had was in 87. That’s gonna mess the girls up. Do you tell a bloke in a dress that he’s wrong?

Wendy and Melissa are paired up on their date, and Melissa is mooning and swooning. Wendy thinks Melissa can see her unborn children in his eyes.

Ally and Laura tell their bloke that they flew Business class, and he scoffs at them, saying anything more than 10 hours has to be First class. Prig.

After their dates, Paul tests them to see if they were listening. They were; he’s impressed. He’s not happy that Melissa has missed the quiz. She’s taken to her room or something. Abby has a bandage on her ankle for reasons that are not explained.

Abby wins the best performer award, and gets to go clay pigeon shooting. She takes Laura (Paul reckons this is because Abby believes Laura is no competition. Yes, if the competition was purely clay pigeon shooting, it would be.)

Clay pigeon shooting is with all the lads, and Laura is in her element. Sparks are flying, and the girls have guns. It’s gorgeous to watch them taking their aggression out on those poor clay pigeons.
“I was just happy to be holding a gun,” says Laura as the blokes move in for the kill.

The rest of the girls must polish the silver. For the first time in ages, Wendy’s not on reward and she’s feeling jealous.

Big invite to dinner, to Irnham Hall, with Sir Simon Benton Jones, baronet. Now, I’m a bit rusty on me lords and ladies leaping, but methinks baronet is the lowest title in royalty. It goes something like this:

King
Queen
Duke
Duchess
Prince
Princess
Marquess - Marchioness.
Earl, Count, and Graf.
Viscount.
Baron.
Baronet.
Which brings me to another thing. The Prince of Wales is also the Duke of Cornwall, and Camilla is known as the Duchess of Cornwall. This actually makes her rank higher than Princess Diana’s.

But I digress.

Back to the proceedings, and Laura is “flirting for England”. Jean reckons Laura could win this thing if she plays her cards right. Laura tells the table that she used to be a stripper. The blokes are all very interested. They all want to bang her. Ally might be the kind of girl they marry, but they’ll take Laura on the side. Abby’s “beau” has his hands on Laura’s shoulders and is all touchy-touchy. Abby is seething. They’ve seated her between James Whittaker and Paul Burrell, so she’s not having any fun at all.

Melissa is in another world. She’s fixing her hair or something, and tells Abby, “all the boys said that I was the prettiest,” or something equally inane, and Abby just walks out. This is not Abby’s night.

Ally manages a snog with the son of the baronet, and the cameras miss it. Oh, come on!!!!

Deliberation time, and I agree with the judges – the Lady Benton Jones, James Whittaker, Jean and Paul. Wendy and Ally are Paul’s favourites, you can’t touch them. Abby is described as Princess Pushy, and the Lady wants Laura out because she would not like to see her son marry her! (Not that it’s in the contract, but you know how protective mothers are). Jean wants to strangle Melissa. Don’t we all, Jean!

So goodbye Melissa, your 15 minutes are well and truly up.

Too competitive for my own good.

2005-11-09T14:16:00.000+11:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.5
Mind:	6.8
Body:	6.1
Spirit:	7.8
Friends/Family:	7.1
Love:	9.1
Finance:	7.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Yup, I'm living the dream.

I'm going right off that nice osteopath

2005-11-09T13:28:00.000+11:00

And it was all going so fabulously well. Hey, I still think he has good hands, and what he can do with his elbow into my glutes is priceless.

But this morning, oh what a shame. He said he liked Star Wars Episode III.

*sigh*

JB Hi-Fi, I sentence you...

2005-11-08T08:13:00.000+11:00

For crimes against apostrophes. Their web site is actually pretty good on the errant apostrophe front, but the stores are TOTALLY OUT OF LINE AND MUST BE PUNISHED!

Fine, put your low prices on display, right next to your ignorance.

I can almost cope with CD's, becuase I understand people get confused and think that when you go from an acronym to a plural you should make it look a bit different. (You don't).

But what the hell is with (and I quote) CD'R ????
Are you inventing a whole new language or what? Cos this was not written in texta, this was printed in 60 point font along the walls at the new Southland shop.

I can't let this go on. I'm going to have to write to the management.

A very bad film

2005-11-07T13:35:00.000+11:00

Bought Star Wars Episode III yesterday for hubbs, and for completion's sake.
What a fiasco. For the two people left on the planet who haven't seen it, do yourself a favour - don't.

It's that bad. Seriously. Very, very, awful and sad.

Brush with fame

2005-11-03T19:23:00.000+11:00

My sister-in-law was at Oaks Day with my brother. They were in a marquee and amongst the guests was Ronn Moss - "Ridge" from Bold and the Beautiful. Well, sis-in-law gets her pic taken with Ridge, then tells Mossy that Taylor's lips are way big and she should deflate them. Mossy said he'd tell her as soon as he got back to the states.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch Channel 10 tomorrow at 4.30pm.

Australian Parasite - ep 5

2005-11-03T19:10:00.000+11:00

You've been hanging out for it, haven't ya?

Week five and the six remaining girls' cycles are all in synch now - they're all pre menstrual and crying all the time. It's sooooo funny.

Laura K says she can't go back to being a pole dancer after everything she's gone through. And she's changed exactly how?

The show begins with Jackie Ho from on high, bemoaning the lack of blondes. They've all let Orrrrrrlando have his way with them, and Laura May has gone even darker. Last week she reckoned it was a big step to go dark blonde, and she reckoned the judges would take her more seriously and see how hard she was working if her hair went even darker. Times like these I'm reminded it's lonely at the top, confused in the middle and crowded at the bottom.

The first task is to set a table, Paul Burrell style. No, I have never set a table like that. Once again, Paul makes the mistake of thinking this is important. The girls pay no attention and make a hash of it, except for Ally whose curls are gone and is taking this very seriously indeed. Interesting editing choice - they don't show Wendy or Abby's attempts - why???

Ally wins a reward - she takes Wendy. They get a shopping spree to buy a boutique dress for the garden tea party. The rest of the girls must pick something from the rack. How my heart feckin bleeeeeds!

An expert catering honcho - he organised Bec and Lley-Lley's big day - comes in and tells the girls how to organise a lunch. Two words spring to mind: Train. Wreckage.
These girls couldn't organise a feck in a brothel. Abby takes charge, of course, and feels underappreciated. She's really getting to me. Yes, she is a stunning woman, but she's not got much to back her up. If she was smart I could respect her, but she's as dumb as a box of hammers.

The lunch is a fiasco - as the channel 10 promos promised. The big lie is revealed. Paul promised lords and ladies, instead we get Diana "bubbles" Fisher, Jane Ferguson (showing up for a free lunch? oh I'm such a bitch) and the rest of the girls previously cast aside from earlier episodes.

Ally prepares the menu "by the book". It's Paul's book in fact, but that doesn't stop him pouring scorn on the pudding. He argues puddings are a winter food. Ally argues that it is winter. Paul says this is a summer day in England. And there's the rub.

Deliberation time, and I am so sick of Melissa and her simpering and vacanct smiles. Not much there with Laura May either. It comes down to the wire between the two. Goodbye Laura May. You can get out the peroxide now and get your personality back.

Next week, the girls are off to England, and they go trap shooting. Girls with guns!!!!

Pink elephants = more jobs?

2005-11-01T14:04:00.000+11:00

Couldn't be more sick of those farken ads. Thank goodness for the digi recorder, I can zap them, and I've had to zap a hell of a lot of them. $40 million spend? No way, it's gotta be double that.

What really pisses me off is that they contain no actual information at all. All they do is combine a "reasonable" voiced person, making statements that are hard to disagree with on face value.

It's so brilliant, it works with just about any concept.

"Ice cream, soft puppies, happy parents".... more jobs, higher wages.

"Marshmallows, warm beds, meat pies".... better job security.

"Hot chocolate, open fire place, fluffy cat" ... strong economy.

Must update side links

2005-10-31T14:49:00.000+11:00

So. Very. Lazy.

Anyhoo, it pleases me that there are people yet lazier than I in this world. Some of the places I've linked to haven't updated in months!

So I'll add more and take some off. Anyone who wants a link, feel free to comment or email me and I'll get on to it.

Swiss Balling

2005-10-30T16:03:00.000+11:00

No, I'm not doing kinky shit with Gerhard from the alps, I'm sitting on an inflated blue ball and wondering who could have invented something like this. 85 bucks people. There's a sucker born every minute, and I guess it was me.

All that training about keeping my knees together is out the window (hey, I went to a catholic school, knees together made up 65% of our final scores). The osteopath told me to sit like a bloke and rock the pelvis back and forth.

Erm, that's fine, but it feels a little ... obscene. Was he hinting I should go fcuk myself?

In other lovely news:
#My grandfather is soon to have open heart surgery at The House of Staph.
#Uncle Kenny is doing great, and has lost 20 kg.
#My moron cousin still hasn't got her kids back, and keeps getting her criminal court date adjourned. The Mag is gonna be so peeved he/she will lock her up for sure.
#One of my best friends had a nervous break down during our regular trivia night. I've never seen one before. She felt sick, then came over all funny, had to sit down outside for some air, collapsed, then became incoherent. The hotel was great, they called the ambos and took her to "anywhere but the house of staph".
#I pitched an idea to a magazine and the editor rang me and commissioned a feature article! That has never happened before.
#I am biting the bullet and entering short story competitions. I've sent one off to The Age (no chance) and I have another ready to go off to the Women's Weekly - even less of a chance. But, it's good to keep writing and entering comps.

Oh yeah, and 50 years of Eurovision was on and I loved every minute of it. Espcially the clips of Nicole and Hugo singing "baby baby, I love you" in their blue flared unitards.

Australian Parasite p eps 3&4 recap!

2005-10-28T08:26:00.000+10:00

A whole week and no blogging, gawd I need a fix!

I’m gonna cram two weeks of Australian Parasite into one.

Last week they got rid of “Zeeeena” and that made me happy. The girl got on my nerves because quite frankly she reminded me a bit too much of me at 15. I thought I knew everything back then too. Hey, I still do, but at 34 I can get away with it now.

What did they do last week? Oh yeah, the food challenge was the funniest. Melissa was served a plate of brains, and she ate it, which really impressed Paul. “Zennnnna” the Leb started to get some feet of clay for me. She was presented with a boiled egg in “a shot glass” rather than a glass egg cup. She didn’t know how to eat a boiled egg – ok, major cultural differences there. She rolled it round her plate and peeled it and went to shove it in her gob.

If only she’d been read Gulliver’s Travels as a kid, she’d know people go to war over this sort of thing! (And she’d at least know to slice one end and get the spoon in). Zennna’s response late ‘ ‘who knew you’d eat a boiled egg with a spoon.”

Melissa came good at last and had a clue about reading to kids. She got down to their level and interacted. Laura K didn’t know what to do and read the story with machine gun staccato.

Oh yeah, and how can I forget the press conference, where Wendy made everyone laugh, Abby couldn’t shut up and “Zeeeeeeeena” turned into some kind of moron, answering everything with “that’s not appropriate”. Again, reminds me of myself when I was eight, and my parents were divorced. They told me if people asked questions I didn’t like, I should answer with “it’s none of your business”. It sounded like a very adult thing to say, so I used it constantly for two days and shitted everyone up the wall.

So Zeeeeena went and it was about time.

So this week we’re down to seven, and there’s no room for the feint of heart in this self-improvement reality fiasco.

Once again, a royalty quiz – this time about sport. Wendy shines – go Wendy! She’s got a decent head on her shoulders. She knows heaps, but doesn’t rub it in.

They get a one-on-one chat with Paul and he gives them some pointers. Hardly any of the girls take it seriously. And that is why they’ll fail. Paul is the keystone in this – get him off side and you’re out, sister!

The girls head off to the country to play Polo. It’s the first time the girls have seen some lads in about… three weeks maybe? They’ve gone all stupid. Abby gets on her horse and takes a shine to her Peruvian lad and they wander off. Jane Fergusson rocks up and says the last time she played polo was with a real princess – her niece Beatrice. Bully for you darl!

Melissa goes all stupid in the head about being scared. She starts shitting me again. Zennnna takes four goes to get on her horse. She hasn’t lost any weight and I pity the horse. Zennnna looks really unhappy.

Wendy has lost weight, and she’s raring to go.

Later, they learn how to play archery. Loads of fun with weapons. I’m looking forward to some trap shooting later but what are the odds?

Again, Melissa acts all scared of “ripping her flesh”. The fuck? The other girls reckon she’s putting it all on, cos she shoots better than all of them. Faker!

Reward time – Wendy again, and she takes Ally. They have fun sampling wines at a local vineyard, while the other five girls have to scrub boots.

They attend a polo match, push in the divots at half time and at the end of it they’re quizzed. Wendy gets told off for wearing a cap for the day and she reckons that’s enough to get her sent home. Ha! You’ve got to be way more useless than that.

Abby saunters up with a plastic cup of wine and Paul throws it away. Seriously bad move Abby, don’t piss Paul off.

So it’s deliberation time and it’s Paul, Jane and the squatter making the decisions. Jean Broke-Smith isn’t here to save Zennnna.

Wendy sails through, Ally the surfer chick is Paul’s “sparkler” so she’s in. One by one they’re picked off, until Zennnna is left on the shelf.

Yes, she was gorgeous, and she was funny, but there wasn’t much else there. Goodybye Zena, I’ll miss you!

yay

2005-10-19T20:52:00.000+10:00

So pleased that Zeeeena the Star Wars Geek is gone from Australian Princess.
a) She gave me the shits, and b) less confusion doing the updates.

I saw tonight's show, love it, laughed till my belly ached and took loads of notes. Full update later. Have to rest the back.

Book in a week

2005-10-17T10:35:00.000+10:00

It can be done, but I can't blog at the same time. I love youse all. I'm forsaking trivia this week too (talk about making sacrifices!). I will tape Aust parasite and update that a bit late. I know you'll all forgive me.

On the writing front, I rock!!!! The women at the writers' guild assessed my manuscript and said they had a 'good feel" for the hero and heroine. And one chuckled that she'd like to 'get a good feel' of the hero. :-)

I'm having so much fun. This really is a very good panacea for depression.

OK, off to write some smut.

Good parenting

2005-10-15T08:13:00.000+10:00

Hubbs and I have sent Jr to the grandparents for the weekend.
Jr loves it, and it gives us a little circuit breaker - even though I am missing him already.
It makes us better parents.
So by that reasoning, if we sent him to live with his grandparents, we'd be the best parents in the world!!!!!

Australian Parasite - episode two!

2005-10-12T21:51:00.000+10:00

“You listen to her for a while and you almost have a brain haemorrhage.”
Jean Broke-Smith on Zena the Geek.

Oh, so many moments of hilarity, so many dumb bints in one room. This is televisual gold. The second ep of this gleeful gambol begins with the girls moving to a “castle” with everything, including squash courts, two swimming pools, seven butlers butling and a partridge in a pear tree.

Actually, it’s just Paul Burrell, and he gives them another royalty lesson. Pic one – what’s this magnificent ship called? Laura K thinks it’s the HMAS Pinafore. Fuck! Another girl asks, “is it the FairLady?” I can’t breathe I’m laughing so damn hard. Then Zena Leb is shown a pic of some really old bag with bad teeth. Is it the Queen? No? The Queen’s sister then, it really looks like her. Ouch! Poor Zena Leb, she’s just used to looking at the back of a coin to see the Queen.

Zena the Geek professes she really, really, really, really wants to be a princess. The other girls call her insane. Good call. Later the girls study and steal Zena the Geek’s books. Things are not looking good for the Star Wars fan.

Jenny West, speech expert, rocks up and mocks all of them. She tells them to open the back of their throats. Well, if the show doesn’t work out, this tip could come in handy for later careers.

Afternoon tea with the butler is a fiasco – and I discover something about myself. I am a true snob, pure and simple, because Paul Burrell makes his tea the way I do Ally the surfer chick asks, “Do we have to be so serious about tea?” to which I reply, “Yes, Ally, we do, it’s what keeps us from the savages”.

Jean Broke-Smith takes them shopping to Spotlight – ostensibly for them to design their own “princess” gowns, but it’s really just more product placement.

Then it’s time for Orlando the makeover king. Orlando only needs one name and he is a total bitch. He gives them all backhanded complements – Laura has ‘pineapple hair’ and Abby needs to ‘take a run’. Then he sends them off to get waxed. My goodness, Wendy’s face is red afterwards!!!

Major shock moment – Lady Sonia McMahon has come to afternoon tea, and the girls are gobsmacked. I’m gobsmacked! I thought the old dear was dead!

Oh dear, Wendy’s crying because she couldn’t make tea. Now Laura K’s crying because she forgot the “what’s it called? The saucer?” Kirusha’s doing a “goodness gracious me” routine. Clearly, Lady McMahon is society kryptonite, cos the girls were all doing so well before she rocked up.

For the record, Lady McMahon has black tea with a slice of lemon. I have Earl Grey, steeped for five minutes, with a splash of milk. No, make that a dash.

Right, back to the show and by now I’m wheezing like a hyena shagging Darth Vader. The girls paint Jean’s portrait and prove themselves no great loss to the artworld, while Abby gets the night off and takes Wendy. Wendy gets hammered. Abby gets lucky, but as the bloke tries to kiss her, she dodges him and he gets lips full of air.

The yachting challenge (sheesh, they have packed a fair bit into this ep, haven’t they?) is a crack up. Laura K is crying again! Wendy steps up to the plate and is a natural at the helm.

Then it’s elimination time and Jean, Paul and Jane Fergusson (who’s barely been in this ep except to free-load at tea and watch the yacht race) deliberate with the yachtie girl. The yachtie says Abby is a pretender. I like the yachtie girl.

Melissa has no flexibility. Listening to Zena the Geek gives Jean a brain haemorrage. Laura D is proving she’s not just a dizzy blonde. Laura K the pole dancer is angry on the inside. Wendy has leadership but Jean doesn’t like her. Ally the surfer chick needs to be pushed. Zena the Leb “didn’t perform”. The only princess-ly thing about CJ is the tattoo across her bum. Kirusha is the only one who’s happy in herself, but Paul wants her out.

And so we say goodbye to princesses Kirusha and CJ. Kirusha says she was herself and wouldn’t have done things differently. CJ reckons she had some in reserve. Oh, dear girl, this is television, you need to give it your all!

Mr Warm Hands

2005-10-12T18:19:00.000+10:00

I visited an osteopath for the first time today. He's a bit of eye candy and his hands are really nice. My neck, shoulders and back still feel sore, but I'm on the road to getting my back back into shape. And I think I'm going to enjoy the visits! :-)

The boomerang manuscript

2005-10-11T08:21:00.000+10:00

OK, so three years ago, I sent a manuscript off to a romance publisher, and several months later I got a rejection. Nothing unusual there, it happens with remarkable frequency.

In the last few months I took the manuscript out, gave it a tweak, made it tighter, and just recently I joined a romance writers' guild. But I didn't send it anywhwere, I was going to wait a bit until I got some more feedback.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the same publisher, quoting my same original manuscript and saying they are going to have a close look at it and they would let me know.

What the?

Three years! Absolutely bizarre!

A veritable smorgasbord of 'who used to be who'

2005-10-09T20:10:00.000+10:00

Updated Poseidon adventure on 7 tonight. Couldn't believe it. Steve Guttenburg. The guy who was too good for Police Academy 7. Fatter and funny looking, like his face lift didn't quite set right.

Hubbs and I are riveted. Adam (not Alec) Baldwin. Bryan Brown. The old biddy from At Home With The Braithwaites. Every actor is strangely familiar. Hubbs said it's that in-between lineup of actors - somewhere between B-Grade and porn.

Can't post too much, gotta get back and watch more. It's hysterical.

Amazing Race - ep 2

2005-10-08T22:02:00.000+10:00

OK, if I say anything about particular teams it will give it away, so ....

The best bit is a task involving teams removing "injured" soldiers from a battlefield. They've recreated the civil war in a Virginian field. Teams grabbed the soldiers, threw them onto the stretchers and then dumped them off again. If the soldiers weren't really injured before, they sure are now!

Four per team is a lot of people to keep track of. I'm still not sure of who is who, but there is one annoying mother I want to punch out. She. Just. Won't. Shut. Up!!!!!! The producers knew this of course, which is why they put this family on the show.

I felt really bad for the losing family. One person took "control" and made the situation even worse. You know that old saying about men never listen and women can't read road maps? It's completely reversed here. The bloke can't read a map and the woman won't listen. And when they get eliminated, you can see they're going to need counselling. In previous seasons, when people got sick of each other, they just got a divorce. But in this case, they're stuck with their siblings/parents/children.

Australian Parasite – Ep One recap

2005-10-07T21:33:00.000+10:00

You can give a girl a dress, but you can’t give her a personality. I have no idea who said that – maybe I just made it up – but it explains a lot about Australian Princess.

Thanks Channel 10 for repeating the hilarity – gave me a chance to take notes and make a proper recap (cos you’re all dying for it, yeah). Oh, and we’re downloading Amazing Race Family Addition as we speak. Thanks for nothing Channel 7.

I have some favourites already. Zena the Leb and Wendy the farm girl from Wagga. The rest I don’t care for:
Melissa can talk to her dog in Chinese. Glassed!
Kirusha only cries under planetary influence. Glassed!
Laura K the pole dancer. Koo Stark's got nothing on her.

Standout moments were anything Zena the Leb had to say, including the magnificent tears that welled up when she thought about that “angel”, Princess Diana. “When I heard of her death, I thought, ‘she’s not gone’, just like Tupac.” She just needed to add an “Oh ma gourd” and I’d swear I was watching Pizza. Zena is an arranged marriage waiting to happen. She’s never been kissed: “The first time will be in a church in front of God”. Somebody send the girl a vibrator.

Abby the single mum, who I was barracking for, became a total pain at lunch. She was convinced the Queen liked greyhound racing. Paul Burrell said she didn’t. Abby argued the point, Paul said no. As a teacher once said to me: Oh, be told!

I loved what Jane Fergusson brought to the show. Her challenge to the ‘ladies’ was to ask them about her sister. Nothing like living in the shadow of a famous sibling. Glassed!
Alana – the dental nurse with no personality at all – said “my mum would know about that sort of thing”. Poor Alana. She has a miserable life. All she does all day is sit on the other side of the dentist and suck away the spit from someone. Take up pole dancing, darl.

And the prince – He’s from Kiev, hahahah, home of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest. His name is Prince Marek and they’ve given him soft lighting to cuten him up. I’m gonna google to check out his credentials. If he’s not listed in Hello Magazine he’s not worth zip. Anyway, one of the dumber girls (they all blurred into one) said “Oh my God, his name’s Marek, that’s my favourite Polish name.” Gales and gales of laughter ensued at the house of Karma at that one.

Before I finish, let’s all make Jean Broke-Smith proud of us. Are we all sitting with our legs on an angle, crossed at the ankle, backs straight? Are we all clenching our buttocks so tightly we can vacuum the cushions???

Australian Parasite

2005-10-06T07:09:00.000+10:00

The challenge: Create Australia's first real princess!!!

Total and utter dross. And plenty of Aussie girls are "real" princesses anyway - like, ehem, Mary, and um... that bloke Prince Leonard of Hutt - his wife.

It's really, really, bad.

I just laughed and laughed when the four girls who got booted started crying. It's worse than Australia's next top model - cos at least models work, right? This is a competition to find a girl who could be .... what? A pretty accessory to some Euro fop?

Pass the sick bag. And oh yeah, I'm gonna be watching this train wreck for sure!

The Amazing Race - Family addition

2005-10-04T08:05:00.000+10:00

So, we rang Channel 7 and asked them when they'd be showing the new season of The Amazing Race. They said it wouldn't be shown until next year. Which is just their way of giving geeks like me permission to download it.

There is wide speculation (ie, I read somewhere on a bulletin board) that the Family Addition is the big shark jump. I've watched all seasons so far and have loved it from the start. Trouble is, first season started just before September 11, so the "Yankees running round the world making asses of themselves" premise fell a bit flat.

It picked up, and by season... four or five? It gained a big push and crapped all over stablemate Survivor.

Now they've fiddled with the format, and it's ten teams of four, all of them families. A widow and her three kids, a team of three brothers and their sisters, a couple of "Mom and Dad" teams with their two chitlins. And what cracks me up? There's a black family, and their name really is Black! So in the opening credits, we see all the families introduced, and then the title for them comes on and it says "Black Family".

Cracks hubbs and I up each time.

There's also some uber religious folks from the south. They're at a "gas station" and they ask this bloke for directions. Then they go all "Do you have the love of Jesus in you?@!!!!" and the bloke says, "Jesus is the way" or some shit and that cracks Hubbs and I up even more. Then the Jesus girls say "we'll all be together in paradise" or some shit.

Then there's the Paolo family, and I swear I'm not making this up - they play wog music each time the editors cut to them. The mother is such a passive agressive fuck. She's all like "should we stop for a toilet break or something?" and her sons are like, 25 and she's treating them like they're four. She can't shut up for five seconds, "what way are we going? You should stop and ask for directions. I don't know which way to go now" (all from the back seat of course) and when they give her lip she gets all pouty and menopausal, laying on the emotional whiplash: "I am tired of this, you never give me any peace!" kind of bullshit, and acts like they're the worst people in the world.

There's not a shark jumper in sight. If you've ever been on a family holiday from hell, you'll love the new season.

It's worth it just to watch Phil's eyebrows in the opening gambit.

Totally cut!

2005-10-03T17:45:00.000+10:00

Tony Abbott was in Bali and was unscathed.
Don't it give you the shits?

Bad Karma everywhere

2005-10-03T07:30:00.000+10:00

Other people will do better posts than this, but this is my attempt. The new IR laws wont work. Making your employee a contractor wont work. Sure, it will spell the death of unions, but the tax office will loose too much money.

If you are a full time employee, and you are offered a contract: You become an independent contractor: register yourself as a company, get an ABN, charge GST, do your BAS every quarter, employ the rest of your family to do other contracts (like anything - from cleaning houses to ironing to mowing lawns). Everything gets paid to the company, not you.

Your whole family then gets paid from the company, thereby reducing your overall tax bill. One person on $60,000 a year pays way more tax than two people on $30,000 a year or even three on $20,000 etc. (No, you can't pay a child $20,000 a year, so it helps to have grown kids, preferably four of them).

If it's your whim, every employee in your new company can be a union member! Union fees are tax deductible!!!

Beat the system. Create a company. Fuck the tax office!

***********

Now for the good stuff.

In other fabulous news, Jr can read! (well, memorise what comes next, which is the first step to reading)

He's sooooo cute! We read the page: "Who is hiding in the barn" and he then says "A COW!"
And we give him a cuddle and say "that's such good reading Jr!"

Then we turn the page: "Who is hiding in the chicken house?"
"A SH-GN!"
Close enough! More cuddles, more praise.

"Who is in the stable?"
"A hsooohshshoooo
He has no idea how to say "Horse", so he just make long, loud noise and it's absolutely adorable!

Family... urgh!

2005-09-27T10:50:00.000+10:00

I visited my grandfather in hospital yesterday. He's way down on the peninsula, so it's no quick sprint. But do you think this act of kindness was good enough for my brother? No, I got told off! Why? Because I took my mum with me as well, and that's a big no-no because that could make the whole family 'uncomfortable'. (on account of my parents being divorced and all)

Being a one-car family, I needed Mum to come over with hers anyway. She was great, got here from across the city really early so we could make a good start. I gave her the choice - she could stay home with Jr and have fun, and I'd go alone, or we'd all go. There was no way I'd take Jr on my own, too much hard work for a long car trip. Plus, I knew the old guy would want to see his great grandson.

In any event, it's not like I sprung it on the old bloke. I saw him first, just on my own, to guage how he was feeling, then after a while I told him Mum was in the caf with Jr and if it was OK with him, did he feel up to more visitors. No pressure at all. His face lit up when I said Mum was with me, he was keen to catch up. He and my uncle - uncle Kenny whom you all know and adore - used to be old drinking buddies anyway.

So it all went well and we had a great day, but were exhausted. Later that night, big bro rings me up, finds out what I've done and tells me off. He also doubly told me off for emailing my dad and step-mum - who are overseas - about what's happening. That's not the done thing??? Bro can go root himself.

Me vs the Monkey Bikes

2005-09-25T18:37:00.000+10:00

Two bogans on monkey bikes. Me standing in the middle of the road outside my house.
Me with arms out, holding my palms up and ordering them to stop. I'm in bare feet, and I don't give a shit!
They stop!!!!!
Blood pumping, adrenaline coursing, heartrate staggeringly high.
"You have to stop that RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE STOPPING ALL THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"

Bogan one is a chick. She's so fat you can barely see the bike under her.
Bogan two is really ugly. Bogan two revs the motor to drown me out and starts to ride off, so his fat girlfriend follows him down the street.

I discover that I can actually feel my legs and I go stagger, to the strains of the monkey bikes waaaay off in the distance and to my huge relief, they are no more. They must have gone home and put the polluting noisemakers away.

I won this round. Next time, I'm standing in the middle of the street with a cricket bat.

I don't like this place

2005-09-21T15:02:00.000+10:00

Turn Victoria into a Police State and the terrorists have won.

Scuse me while I go tick off a few more pages from Orwell.

As we all know, Scott Parkin was deported for bad street theatre and promoting ways to protest. At the other end of the spectrum, can we deport lawyers who advise multinationals on how to con

But there is a light on the horizon . Top Brass Brigadier Fogarty reckons military trials of Gitmo cases makes people squeamish. Gee, ya think?

I'm writing again!

2005-09-19T09:36:00.000+10:00

And it feels good.

Naturally the blog will suffer, but you'll understand it's for the best. Don't worry, I still hate Tony Abbott. I haven't changed *that* much.

Well colour me happy

2005-09-18T22:23:00.000+10:00

I took a leap and joined a romance writers' group.
Hubbs is very supportive. So he got some tonight.
Now he's really supportive. :-)