It's all too beautiful. Eurovision 2006
The dinky logo comes on. That coupled with the dulcet brogue of Sir Terry Wogan means I'm nearly sick with excitement.
Keep the powder dry Karma, there's a long night of music and drinking ahead.
And may I add that Hubbs and I were incredibly impressed with the lighting rig and staging for this year's extravaganza.
Before I begin, let me remind readers that I have not read any papers today or listened to the news on radio or seen it on TV, so I have no idea of the placings. Which leaves me open to making an arse of myself. Yeah, I know, what's changed?
1. Switzerland. Oh how nice, how very, very nice. And a bit wet really.
2. Moldova. I swear this country is made up, and they're pretending to come from Cuba. What, even the locals lack a national identity? The Loco chika strips down twice, then frocks up in a wedding dress. Drink! Drink! Drink! Quick Hubbs, I need more Bailey's.
3. Israel. Sorry, but this is a total mess. Even the subtitle ladies at SBS have thrown in the towel, and they've got the lyrics!
4. Latvia. "I cover my ears but none of the noise will go away". No, it's not my criticism, they're the words to the song.
5. Norway. Oh yes, you are gorgeous, but I have no idea what she's on about. She could win.
6. Spain. Las Kechup sing something about duty free shopping and ordering a Bloody Mary. Che?
7. Malta. Sung by a man with no lips. Malta is really good at coming second, and this year is no exception.
8. Germany. An Australian with a Nashville twang singing about Texas. Because cactus is synonymous with Germany. And is it just me, or my huuuuuge tv, but something's wrong with the singer's nose. Like, bad surgery wrong.
9. Denmark. Tell Laura it's my teen angel party and I'll twist around the clock if I want to.
10. Russia. It's Mr Mullet. Tonight he has a '10' on his singlet (so we know it's a fresh one). Something tells me I'm looking into the future and I have every right to be terrified. Dima Bilan is a sex symbol in Russia, but in a nation of drunks, that's hardly something to be proud of.
11. FYROM. What, you've never heard of Fyrom? Do I have to spell it out? Oh ok then. It's the Former Yugoslav Republic Of Macedonia. They weren't allowed to just be Macedonia, cos the Greeks cracked the shits and said 'no, you can't, cos we've got a Macedonia too...". Anyhoo, politics aside, Fyrom's gone for the J-Lo look, missed and ended up looking like The Nanny.
12. Romania. "Tonero" is simply awful.
co-host Maria has changed her dress, which is handy because I need a drink. The bloke is growing on me, although he's not showing his nipples as freely as he did at the semi. You big tease you.
Hubbs wants to flick over and watch the $3 million men stuck down a hole. Thank goodness we have a digital recorder with two tuners, although Tracey Grimshaw's new face doesn't look that good on a big-screen TV.
OK, back to the music.
13. Bosnia & Herzegovena. The wedding singers are growing on me. Could just win it, although I am so sick of songs with Lejla, or leyleyleyleyla. Contains the classic line "Golube, moj golube", and I think there's something in that for all of us.
14. Lithuania. "we are the bogans, of Eurovision," vote! drink! oh my head hurts.
15. UK. strains of loads of other songs and a rap to make Ali G proud, complete with St Trinian's backing singers. Terry says it's the best effort from the UK in recent years. I think Terry's hitting the piss.
16. Greece. Anna Vissi belts out a ripper, but it's a bit of a morose song. The crowd goes wild. Shows how much I know.
17. Finland's Hard Rock Hallelujah. Terry says they look like Klingons and Orcs. He's been reading me blog! It's pure magic, although I'm a bit worried I won't be ready for The Day of Rockening when the Arockalypse comes.
18. Ukraine. Last year's copy effort. Would you look at that girl's legs!!!!! And the boobs!!!! And the hair!!!! Oh, she's the complete package. The Cossacks look good too, especially with tamborines, the traditional Cossack instrument of torture.
19. France. yawn.
20. Croatia. Another skirt ripper. drink!
21. Ireland. Brian Kennedy sings, "every song is a cry for love," while I think this is a cry for help.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
22. Sweden. They've brought back the big gun, Carola, who won it for Abbaland in 1991. She strips the cloak and has a wind machine. That's got to be worth loads of point.
23. Turkey. Still doesn't grab me. Looks a bit like a drag act.
24. Armenia. They opened the semi and closed the final. His voice is a bit better tonight. Good to see a bit of S&M on this family show.
Well, that's the end of the song, and Maria has changed her dress again. I'm calling an ambulance to get my stomach pumped.
Maria has changed her dress again. She is solely to blame for my future liver damage.
The voting is much faster, with the countries only announcing the top 3 votes, (8, 10 and 12 points) and the rest of the votes appearing in a quick graphic. Thank god.
Big thumbs up to Rochelle Rochelle from Minsk, wearing Lady Marmalade's cast offs.
Finland are way out in front. Lordi, Lordi, Lordi!!!