Friday, May 26, 2006

All good things...

must come to an end.

Well, I made it alive through Eurovision, and I'm spent. Time to bid a fond farewell to blogland and get on with raising the boy, looking after Hubbs, finding a house, working, spending money and spending more time writing novels.

Instead of being a dedicated lady of leisure (which was the plan), I find myself with more work than I know what to do with.
Thanks to everyone for being so funny, clever, rude, shocking, generous and yes, in some cases even caring. It's been an amazing journey but all good cliches must come to an end.

It's been a trip.

Love Ebs


Sunday, May 21, 2006

It's all too beautiful. Eurovision 2006

The dinky logo comes on. That coupled with the dulcet brogue of Sir Terry Wogan means I'm nearly sick with excitement.
Keep the powder dry Karma, there's a long night of music and drinking ahead.

And may I add that Hubbs and I were incredibly impressed with the lighting rig and staging for this year's extravaganza.

Before I begin, let me remind readers that I have not read any papers today or listened to the news on radio or seen it on TV, so I have no idea of the placings. Which leaves me open to making an arse of myself. Yeah, I know, what's changed?

1. Switzerland. Oh how nice, how very, very nice. And a bit wet really.

2. Moldova. I swear this country is made up, and they're pretending to come from Cuba. What, even the locals lack a national identity? The Loco chika strips down twice, then frocks up in a wedding dress. Drink! Drink! Drink! Quick Hubbs, I need more Bailey's.

3. Israel. Sorry, but this is a total mess. Even the subtitle ladies at SBS have thrown in the towel, and they've got the lyrics!

4. Latvia. "I cover my ears but none of the noise will go away". No, it's not my criticism, they're the words to the song.

5. Norway. Oh yes, you are gorgeous, but I have no idea what she's on about. She could win.

6. Spain. Las Kechup sing something about duty free shopping and ordering a Bloody Mary. Che?

7. Malta. Sung by a man with no lips. Malta is really good at coming second, and this year is no exception.

8. Germany. An Australian with a Nashville twang singing about Texas. Because cactus is synonymous with Germany. And is it just me, or my huuuuuge tv, but something's wrong with the singer's nose. Like, bad surgery wrong.

9. Denmark. Tell Laura it's my teen angel party and I'll twist around the clock if I want to.

10. Russia. It's Mr Mullet. Tonight he has a '10' on his singlet (so we know it's a fresh one). Something tells me I'm looking into the future and I have every right to be terrified. Dima Bilan is a sex symbol in Russia, but in a nation of drunks, that's hardly something to be proud of.

11. FYROM. What, you've never heard of Fyrom? Do I have to spell it out? Oh ok then. It's the Former Yugoslav Republic Of Macedonia. They weren't allowed to just be Macedonia, cos the Greeks cracked the shits and said 'no, you can't, cos we've got a Macedonia too...". Anyhoo, politics aside, Fyrom's gone for the J-Lo look, missed and ended up looking like The Nanny.

12. Romania. "Tonero" is simply awful.

co-host Maria has changed her dress, which is handy because I need a drink. The bloke is growing on me, although he's not showing his nipples as freely as he did at the semi. You big tease you.

Hubbs wants to flick over and watch the $3 million men stuck down a hole. Thank goodness we have a digital recorder with two tuners, although Tracey Grimshaw's new face doesn't look that good on a big-screen TV.

OK, back to the music.

13. Bosnia & Herzegovena. The wedding singers are growing on me. Could just win it, although I am so sick of songs with Lejla, or leyleyleyleyla. Contains the classic line "Golube, moj golube", and I think there's something in that for all of us.

14. Lithuania. "we are the bogans, of Eurovision," vote! drink! oh my head hurts.

15. UK. strains of loads of other songs and a rap to make Ali G proud, complete with St Trinian's backing singers. Terry says it's the best effort from the UK in recent years. I think Terry's hitting the piss.

16. Greece. Anna Vissi belts out a ripper, but it's a bit of a morose song. The crowd goes wild. Shows how much I know.

17. Finland's Hard Rock Hallelujah. Terry says they look like Klingons and Orcs. He's been reading me blog! It's pure magic, although I'm a bit worried I won't be ready for The Day of Rockening when the Arockalypse comes.

18. Ukraine. Last year's copy effort. Would you look at that girl's legs!!!!! And the boobs!!!! And the hair!!!! Oh, she's the complete package. The Cossacks look good too, especially with tamborines, the traditional Cossack instrument of torture.

19. France. yawn.

20. Croatia. Another skirt ripper. drink!

21. Ireland. Brian Kennedy sings, "every song is a cry for love," while I think this is a cry for help.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

22. Sweden. They've brought back the big gun, Carola, who won it for Abbaland in 1991. She strips the cloak and has a wind machine. That's got to be worth loads of point.

23. Turkey. Still doesn't grab me. Looks a bit like a drag act.

24. Armenia. They opened the semi and closed the final. His voice is a bit better tonight. Good to see a bit of S&M on this family show.

Well, that's the end of the song, and Maria has changed her dress again. I'm calling an ambulance to get my stomach pumped.

Maria has changed her dress again. She is solely to blame for my future liver damage.

The voting is much faster, with the countries only announcing the top 3 votes, (8, 10 and 12 points) and the rest of the votes appearing in a quick graphic. Thank god.

Big thumbs up to Rochelle Rochelle from Minsk, wearing Lady Marmalade's cast offs.

Finland are way out in front. Lordi, Lordi, Lordi!!!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Ahhh Eurotrash, how I missed thee

What a night, and it was only the Eurovision semi final. Which means double the trash and one third the tedium for voting time. Must pace myself in preparation for Sunday night's extravaganza. The biggie. The one where "Le Royame Uni gets nul pwa".

Unexpected guests arrived after song three last night, Vidman and Mrs Vid. Commentary and confusion ensued. Couldn't join in the drinking game because Mrs Vid is gestating a lifeform.

Hubbs: Have they got enough people on stage?
Me: Eurovision trivia: They're only allowed six people on stage.
Vidman: It all looks very eighties (drink!)
Me: (Song 4, Andorra, with the "Rueben-esque waitress-singer and slut dancers) They're not getting thorugh. (I was right)
Me: (Song 6, Belgium, with lightsabres and men in corsets) They're through (I was wrong)

Ukraine's entry was a flat-out copy of last year's winner, Greece. same kind of song, same dress with a cossak twist. (drink!)

Mrs Vid: (On Finland's entry) They look like they're out of Buffy.
Vidman: Or Klingons.
Me: Or when Klingon cousins breed.
Hubbs: I can't stop counting the people on stage now.

Netherlands used an invented language - (drink!)

Lituania's entry: We are the winners of Eurovision. Vote! (drink!)
Vidman: They're a bit up themselves.
Me: They won't get through (but they did!)

Estonia: Riffs of Abba's Does Your Mother Know.
Me: They'll get through (wrong again!)

Mrs Vid: They're wedding singers.

Iceland's Silvia Night closes the evening with pastiche, awful singing, a double strip for her and the dancers and raucous boos from the crowd. (Drink!!!!)

Through to the final:
Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia,

Like I said, have to pace myself for tomorrow night, it's gonna be HUUUUUUUGE!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Just asking for trouble.

Victorian Government typo

Maybe I should send the Victorian Government a report card?
All together now - the rules of apostrophes state that when ownership belongs to a plural, (as in, all government schools) then put the apostrophe after the 's'.

Don't worry. The "Victorian Teachers Union" doesn't have an apostrophe in their logo either.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

How a young author got found out, chewed up and spat out

I'm a bit late in posting this, but as a failed author myself, it stirs the cockels of my heart when hot young authors get exposed as frauds, flakes or filchers.

Kaavya Viswanathan is 19, and is the author of How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life.
Quotes like: "Viswanathan signed a two-book, $500,000 contract with Little, Brown when she was 17. Opal Mehta, her debut novel, has been optioned by DreamWorks." have me turning a shade of Jade with envy and bile.

Everything was going so fabulously well, until readers noticed passages of Opal that were similar to other books, notably Megan McCafferty's books, Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings.

To wit:

Sloppy Firsts: "Sabrina was the brainy Angel. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: Pretty or smart."
Opal Mehta: "Moneypenny was the brainy female character. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: smart or pretty. "

Sloppy Firsts: "Bridget is my age and lives across the street. For the first twelve years of my life, these qualifications were all I needed in a best friend."
Opal Mehta: "Priscilla was my age and lived two blocks away. For the first fifteen years of my life, those were the only qualifications I needed in a best friend."

Second Helpings: "... but in a truly sadomasochistic dieting gesture, they chose to buy their Diet Cokes at Cinnabon."
Opal Mehta: "In a truly masochistic gesture, they had decided to buy Diet Cokes from Mrs. Fields."

After this, readers soon noticed something akin to a "cut and paste" from Meg Cabot's world famous Princess Diaries books.

''The Princess Diaries," p. 129:

Well, I for one will not stand for it. There isn't a single inch of me that hasn't been pinched, cut, filed, painted, sloughed, blown dry, moisturized. I even have fingernails.

But I am not happy . . . Because I don't look a thing like Mia Thermopolis. Mia Thermopolis never had fingernails. . . . Mia Thermopolis never wore makeup or Gucci shoes or Chanel shirts or Christian Dior bras. I don't even know who I am anymore . . . She's turning me into someone else.

''Opal Mehta," p. 59

Every inch of me had been cut, filed, steamed, exfoliated, polished, painted, or moisturized. I didn't look a thing like Opal Mehta. Opal Mehta didn't own five pairs of shoes so expensive they could have been traded in for a small sailboat. She didn't wear makeup or Manolo Blahniks or Chanel sunglasses or Habitual jeans or La Perla bras . . . I was turning into someone else."

So far, so bad. Her publishers withdraw the book, cancel her two-book deal (which means she'd have to pay the money back) and then this little "mal mot" surfaces.

"The Record newspaper of Bergen county, at which Viswanathan was an intern during 2003-2004, said it is investigating some of the articles she wrote as part of her assignment. The paper's editor said he will hire a service to vet the dozen or so light features she had written."

Sunday, April 23, 2006

My swan song

Caz dared me to do this. One last attempt to test out frozen/packaged dinners, to see if the serving suggestion looked even remotely like the finished product.

I present Exhibit A: a pizza all lovely and filled with herbs and garlic and chunks of succulent pumpkin and feta.
The packet

It's called Lean Cuisine, but it should be Mean Cuisine. Even Alexander Beetle would be hungry after eating this.

Mini meal prepared
You may be wondering why I didn't take a closer picture. The truth was, the camera kept passing out on me, refusing to take a shot if I got too close. Don't blame it really.

mmmm, prevomited dinner

At this point my camera lost the will to live.
Yes, it tasted revolting,

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Outside, this morning.

Moorabbin Sky, 9.45 this morning (taken from inside the house)

early view -Moorabbin sky April18 2006

Five minutes later, the plume had grown.

fiveminlater Moorabbin April 182006

My friend Sam's here, and she's ducking out for a ciggie now before the toxic plume rolls over the house.

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